I laughed as I blurted out `”A” is for Angry!` I meant every bit of it too! It just sounded so funny when I said it. Probably because I spoke something I had internalized for quite some time. I’ve been studying my personality, and the man teaching told the audience to say an alliterative adjective that describes how you feel and starts with the same letter as your name…without thinking. So, without thinking, and from the abundance of my heart I yelled out, “A” is for Angry 😡
This isn’t an attempt to collect self pity or attention from you, but when I first started this blog I told you that this journey we are on won’t always be easy, but always honest. So as my sister, I’m letting you know this is where I am. Not at people, not at God… Its just that this particular season is aggravating and very aggressive. Built and pinned up emotions flaring everywhere, and people only cause the flames to increase, unknowingly, so I try to stay clear, which is nearly impossible, being a minister and all. This is probably one of the reasons God moved me away from all I know to be alone with Him. This season is wrecking me and I can’t win unless I participate in it. It’s something I have to go through, not just get over it.
As I mentioned above, I’ve been studying my personality and as a person with a phlegmatic/melancholy personality, I need to know what the heck is going on. The unknown is not a unfamiliar place for me but it is a place I can honestly say that I hate. Because I desire to allow God to lead my life and direct me, I’m pretty much aware of the “what” but not the “why”. Not fun! So this season I’m in is ticking me off. If you were a fly on the wall, you’d think this sistah is mad. I am, and I have the slightest idea of what to do but be mad.
This isn’t a bad thing. The Bible tells us
In your anger sin not. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26
God knows that His children get angry. So I do my best to go to the Lord with every issue that arises. I have issues. And sitting at the root of all my issues is Anger. It just now rising up to the surface. Oh, it’s been there. I was just too afraid to say it. For example: right now I’m struggling with the fact that I don’t know my life’s purpose. Yes, I serve in the church, I have a blog, I’m in school, live in a nice city, I’ve made an album… Blah, Blah, Blah…deep inside me i can’t help but think that there’s more. I feel like a human “doing”, not a human”being”. It angers me that I know I have so much more in me but can’t tap into it. I feel like a slave. Once again this is no one’s fault. I go where I’m needed. But I feel cheated in life and feel like I deserve more. I look at my past and remember how happy I was when I had direction. But now life feels like a waste. Because I know I can ramble I’ll stop here. But these are my truths. I’m not in the mood for optimism or self-help coaching, this is spiritual and honestly only God can help me. Now THAT I am very aware of.
I tell you all this because I know there is an “A” is for Awesome coming my way, and I can only get there if I walk this season out. There’s no running in this season for me. I remember having a hip flexer injury in high school because of a growth spurt. I was growing too fast. I had to sit out for a week and couldn’t participate in track practices or meets. Oh I was so mad. I couldn’t run? I had to walk around and watch everyone else enjoy what I loved so much. And that’s where I am. Dealing with the root anger will one day bring me joy, just like dealing with the healing of my hip flexer injury helped me to have an excellent season.
I’m not angry because “I am this way”, there was a season for that, but I’m this way because “I’m angry”. That bothers me.
Do you see the difference? There was a time where I focused on what was wrong with me, not knowing I was angry. I have an anger problem right now. The issues can only be solved if the root is dealt with. I pray that we can allow God to deal with our roots so we can live in purpose and on on purpose. Be courageous sis. Don’t be afraid to face what God brings to the surface of your life. Blurt it out! Laugh at it and walk through the process of healing. One day we can say thank you God for helping me through that season.
I love you!