Posted in anger, root, seasons

“A” is for Angry

I laughed as I blurted out `”A” is for Angry!` I meant every bit of it too! It just sounded so funny when I said it. Probably because I spoke something I had internalized for quite some time. I’ve been studying my personality, and the man teaching told the audience to say an alliterative adjective that describes how you feel and starts with the same letter as your name…without thinking. So, without thinking, and from the abundance of my heart I yelled out, “A” is for Angry 😡 

This isn’t an attempt to collect self pity or attention from you, but when I first started  this blog I told you that this journey we are on won’t always be easy, but always honest. So as my sister, I’m letting you know this is where I am. Not at people, not at God… Its just that this particular season is aggravating and very aggressive. Built and pinned up emotions flaring everywhere, and people only cause the flames to increase, unknowingly, so I try to stay clear, which is nearly impossible, being a minister and all. This is probably one of the reasons God moved me away from all I know to be alone with Him. This season is wrecking me and I can’t win unless I participate in it. It’s something I have to go through, not just get over it. 

As I mentioned above, I’ve been studying my personality and as a person with a phlegmatic/melancholy personality, I need to know what the heck is going on. The unknown is not a unfamiliar place for me but it is a place I can honestly say that I hate. Because I desire to allow God to lead my life and direct me, I’m pretty much aware of the “what” but not the “why”. Not fun! So this season I’m in is ticking me off. If you were a fly on the wall, you’d think this sistah is mad. I am, and I have the slightest idea of what to do but be mad.

This isn’t a bad thing. The Bible tells us 

In your anger sin not. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

God knows that His children get angry. So I do my best to go to the Lord with every issue that arises. I have issues.  And sitting at the root of all my issues is Anger. It just now rising up to the surface. Oh, it’s been there. I was just too afraid to say it.  For example: right now I’m struggling with the fact that I don’t know my life’s purpose. Yes, I serve in the church, I have a blog, I’m in school, live in a nice city,  I’ve made an album… Blah, Blah, Blah…deep inside me i can’t help but think that there’s more. I feel like a human “doing”, not a human”being”.  It angers me that I know I have so much more in me but can’t tap into it. I feel like a slave. Once again this is no one’s fault. I go where I’m needed. But I feel cheated in life and feel like I deserve more. I look at my past and remember how happy I was when I had direction. But now life feels like a waste. Because I know I can ramble I’ll stop here. But these are my truths. I’m not in the mood for optimism or self-help coaching, this is spiritual and honestly only God can help me. Now THAT I am very aware of. 

I tell you all this because I know there is an “A” is for Awesome coming my way, and I can only get there if I walk this season out. There’s no running in this season for me. I remember having a hip flexer injury in high school because of a growth spurt. I was growing too fast.  I had to sit out for a week and couldn’t participate in track practices or meets. Oh I was so mad. I couldn’t run?  I had to walk around and watch everyone else enjoy what I loved so much. And that’s where I am. Dealing with the root anger will one day bring me joy, just like dealing with the healing of my hip flexer injury helped me to have an excellent season.  

I’m not angry because “I am this way”, there was a season for that, but I’m this way because “I’m angry”. That bothers me. 

 Do you see the difference? There was a time where I focused on what was wrong with me, not knowing I was angry.  I have an anger problem right now. The issues can only be solved if the root is dealt with. I pray that we can allow God to deal with our roots so we can live in purpose and on on purpose. Be courageous sis. Don’t be afraid to face what God brings to the surface of your life. Blurt it out! Laugh at it and walk through the process of healing.  One day we can say thank you God for helping me through that season.

 I love you! 

Posted in beauty, Inspiration

The Ugly Season 

🐛 We all have a ugly phases in life. Even the most beautiful people in life. Mine was 6th  to 7th grade. Now for all my optimistic people, maybe I should say “rough”, but since its my blog… 😊. Middle School was an ugly season for me. I didn’t know how to smile. I was scrawny and lanky. Long hair was in and I didn’t have much…until I discovered weave. I’d just added me one single piece to the back and called it a day.  Boys teased me almost every day. I absolutely hated it. I wasn’t sure in who I wanted to be. I was picked on for being a church girl. This stopped around 7th grade when I began to play sports. I got out of my tomboy phase my sophomore year…finally! My body of course changed into a beautiful athletic build, boys gave me attention, and sports gave me a reason to hold my head up. It’s been over 20 years, and I hadn’t felt like that…until this season  of my life. 

Age 37, overweight, searching for purpose. The enemy constantly teasing and accusing. Just the other day I said, “God, I never felt so ugly, so hopeless, and useless.” Now,  I’m not just talking about the lack of beauty, but in the sense of feeling. I feel…unpleasant while everything around me says “beauty”. 

How Does God Respond? 

While walking my puppy,  she discovers that her favorite tree has taken on some new friends. I quickly yank her away not knowing what they were at first. But at closer glance, they were only caterpillars. In which I think are ugly. So I take a picture and post it saying, “Sick 😝🤢“. I thought everyone would agree, but people begin to tell stories only of beauty. This automatically made me feel bad. Am I so consumed with what I feel is a “Ugly Season” that everything around me is now ugly? As a precious friend explained,

I remembered what I had told God the day before.  He heard me, probably laughed or smiled. He loves me enough to send imagery and wisdom from others. That’s my God. Opening my eyes to His reality.  

Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. Ecclesiastes 3:11

What a beautiful scripture. Encouragement for those going through the “ugly season”, rough patch, or process. There is a promise on the other side. May God give you a reason to hold your head up high.🦋 

Posted in Uncategorized

I See You

I see you Angel. I see you and I ask “What happened to the sparkle in your eyes?” I see you and I ask, “What happened to that innocent smile?” Pain has pierced you. Rejection has ripped you. But you are still here. And I say, “I see you.” Yes, people have used you. Some may have abused you, but YOU Are Still Here. Some think they know you, others have ignored you, but YOU ARE STILL HERE! And I see you!!! I see you through God’s eyes. I see you through broken dreams. I see you through heartache and I see you through unseen tears. I see you! 

You are STRONG and you are SIGNIFICANT! You are PURE and you are PERSISTENT!  You are CARING and you are very very COURAGEOUS!  You always know how to bounce back! You are a Finisher and you are a Warrior. You were born to win…born in a womb of VICTORY! I SEE YOU!!! You have always been there! 😊